Friday, 14 November 2008

Fridays Fable- Relationships

Arthur J Elsley - Learning to Swim

When I was younger I had the naive belief that everyone I met was my friend. I believed that everyone I was acquainted with liked me. I really couldn't understand when my Dad used to tell me that I was surrounding myself with people who were definitely not my friends.
As life progressed a little I became slightly savvier, I took a few knocks along the way, some of them were huge, I had some pretty awful experiences and realised that people are not always as they seem.
It seems only on reaching my middle age, have I managed to acquire better skills in people evaluation.
It now seems to have turned a full circle and quite often in recent years I have looked at some of my sons "so called" friends with the knowledge that they are not friends at all, they have their own agenda.
Yet, in there, there are also some "gems".
So, I got to thinking just how do you distinguish "real people" because it really isn't easy? This applies to both relationships and partnerships.
I have made some pretty awful decisions in my life in respect of people. Yet since those awful decisions, I have read some fabulous articles after the event that would have made me a whole lot wiser. I often get asked by people who are going into a relationship if "I" think this person is the genuine article. Ha! How do I know? I don't have a brilliant track record myself.
However, if you are planning marriage or a long term relationship with someone, I would highly recommend this article. In fact read it anyway, it is a great article for evaluating friendships too.
Romeo's Bleeding
Although this is aimed at women and partnerships, I think it is quite easily applicable to all relationships because the "controller" that this Dr describes can be found anywhere and can be of any sex. A lot like the Martini advert!
I love the line about controllers "preaching sugar whilst practicing poison" and that is the key. People who are not what they seem often have a hidden agenda but are very practiced at hiding it. The one thing I have noticed above all else though is that rarely can they keep the falseness up for any period of time. These are a few things that are worth remembering:

1. Genuine friends are reciprocal.
2. If they are unkind to waiters/waitresses, eventually they will be unkind to you.
3. Beware of people who suffer lots of misfortune and it is "always somebody else's fault".
4. Be wary of anyone that requests you lend them money.
5. If you are acquainted with someone that builds you up and knocks you down on the same day, be very careful. take heed of these words "Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn."

Are Friends Delight or Pain? by Emily Dickinson
Are Friends Delight or Pain?
Could Bounty but remain
Riches were good --

But if they only stay
Ampler to fly away
Riches are sad.

The other side of the coin is those people that do provide you with constant support, love and sensitivity. Think about it, because invariably you do know who they are, there probably won't be too many of them. The people who care or love you unreservedly are the ones to cherish and of course they are the ones in which you need to invest your time :D

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Macpurp said...

I have made the same mistake a few times. I guess we all want to think the best of people we trust.
I am coming to the realsiation that different people can only give you what they give you ,if you expect more you could find yourself disapointed.
I have a few friends who I rely on for different things, some no more than a coffee and a laugh, some will be there for me when I need them, they have proved this to me when I really needed them to.

But still I get disappointed when people don't give me what I give them back.....will |I ever learn? LOL

hugs to you. a true friend xxx

Jennifer Rose said...

We moved around a lot when I was growing up so never made a lot of friends. I don't think I missed out on anything as the friends I did make were good friends. I don't get out a lot now, most of my friends are people I have met online, but that doesn't make them less of a friend because I haven't met them in the flesh.

"2. If they are unkind to waiters/waitresses, eventually they will be unkind to you."

this is so true! I have met a lot of arses who I just have stopped talking to when I see them do this. There is not reason to get mad and be rude to a server, well unless you actually see them spit in your drink. Then I think its ok to yell at them :p

"5. If you are acquainted with someone that builds you up and knocks you down on the same day, be very careful. take heed of these words "Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves."

this has happened to me a lot and from people one would think shouldn't (no its not hubby, he is the complete opposite)

this is a great post :)

mrwolf said...

Wow! So true. I'm the kind of friend who has dropped everything and driving 4hrs for a friend. Luckily I've surrounded myself with friends like that. I have some friends who I've known for 30 out of my 35 years. Not bad at all.

johnlazy said...

Hello ma'am, I have a problem my site address cannot be found. I can't even login and I don't know what happened. I went to the support center of my webhost and no one is responding. Well my website is gone right now. What should I do.

Chrissy said...

Teen, I don't think we ever do completely becuase sometimes it is in our nature to trust people. However, I do think we get better at spotting the warning signs. sadly it is ususally experience that does this but hey there are the good ones out there too :D Big hugs to you XX
Jen, I think a few good friends are better than many superficial ones. I always like the internet to a pub, there are still thos people that you will always get on with and those that you won't, it's just a bigger pub! Your comment made me laugh, I used to work in a prison and my big request to the guys who made me my lunch was "Please don't spit in it", 5 is an odd one, the people who do this are normally jealous of you on some level - it can be very hard to fathom. Am glad it isn't John, he always seems very supportive and thats good in any relationship :D
Michael, that is really great and quite unusual I think, although i do have one or two every long term friends who are wonderful.
John, I can only hope that your internet provider hads done a back-up, they are your best bet. Although I am perhaps not the best person to ask. Have you tried asking the question in blog catalogue? Or searching the site to see what others have done? I hope you manage to get it back...

kaslkaos said...

#2 is particularly apt. Always watch how people treat those they believe are powerless or under their control.
Me, I've been the opposite, suspicious and unwilling to trust. I never assume someone is my friend. So your being 'too' trusting has probably opened up a million possibilities. Balance is always best--sounds like you found it and shared your wisdom.

Lana Gramlich said...

Some years ago, I seem to have gotten a magical ability to see through people, right to their cores. I can tell almost immediately what kind of person they are, where their insecurities lie, etc. Only those who are genuine are ever kept as friends--more than that, really...more like family. I wish I'd had the ability long ago, but "you live, you learn."

fairymadjo said...

oh my i love the pic with children, rem me of cathrine cooksons movies,i love them. i love this fable, huggs jo x

Chrissy said...

KK, I think it is an inherent part of our nature to be as we are. In many ways I think you are wise to be suspicious. Althoguh being the other way can open opportunities, it can also open a great deal of hurt.
Lana, I am so much better myself nowadays but then I learnt the hard way. It is a great feeling when you look at someone and just "know" but I suspect it is not something we are born with, it is developed.
Jo, I also do love this painting, you can find some of his work also in Pears prints and there are some gorgeous canine paintings which are simlpy fabulous.

Inspiration Alley said...

I'm terrible at recognising when somebody isn't what they seem and often get hurt because of it. For some strange reason I always believe every word someone says even when I know they continually lie. I only start to question what they're saying when they stat to contradict themselves or things don't add up. Makes me very vuknerable and I'm always hurt when my trust is misplaced.

Robin Easton said...

"2. If they are unkind to waiters/waitresses, eventually they will be unkind to you.
3. Beware of people who suffer lots of misfortune and it is "always somebody else's fault"."

I think these two are REALLY important ones. I have learned that if someone I know is mean to others they will eventually be the same with me.

This is a really great post. I too was the same a kid and young adult. But after a few knocks, some more serious than others, I began to learn. I am still very very open but I try to think before I leap.

This is great for young women. I am going to stumble it as I think it's sound advice and of course very well written.

Also, love the mouse cards. Was just looking at all the cards and they are SO creative and unique. The mouse ones make me feel happy!! :)

Hugs to you my creative kind friend,
Robin :)

timethief said...

Hi Chrissy
You are a wise woman Chrissy. I agree with all the points you made but as I read this I wept. I recalled some crappy relationships I stayed in far too long even though I could see the writing on the wall, so to speak.

Since my head injury I have not been a good friend. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I was able to accomplish everyday before I fell. I simply can't keep up that pace any more. I'm preoccupied with my own health concerns and the fear that I may have brain damage.

My vision is so bad and I have migraines almost every day. I have not been reading as many blogs nor commenting as much as I did before. Consequently, I have neglected to do the little things I did previously did to bring a smile to the faces of my friends.

I can only hope that they will have the patience required to wait until I'm recovered and able to give again. Until then I can do little more than receive and hope the day soon comes when I can give again.

Chrissy said...

Terrie, I have read an article on you blog about they way that this makes you feel and I know it made me feel sad. I think the important thing to remember is that your faith in some people does pay off. You have just written a beautiful post about the two very important caring people in your life that actually put a lump in my throat.
Robin, the great thing about you is that you embrace everyone and treat everyone as a most special friend which is a great attribute and makes you very unique. I can imagine that you would take a few knocks along the way becuase of this wonderful way that you have. I am a little sad that people have taken advantage but as you say, you just become a little more cautious and that seems to be the key. I guess there are a few pointers as we get older ;D
TT, your post made me feel so friend, you need to stop beating yourself up! You have done it literally and now you are doing it mentally. I have seen much improvement in your writing over the last month and there is no doubt that there is some improvement since you had that nasty fall.
But, it still sounds like you have horrendous side effects to the fall. Your "true" friends will not mind that you don't give as much as you did. They will happily wait and wish you a good recovery. Your pace now makes me feel tired, goodness knows what you managed to achieve before... Please take care of "yourself"